Q a day: day 1&2

​happy belated NEW YEAR. 

I’m going to try something. A Q a day… and because we’re starting 15 days into the new year, we will double up for the first week 🥰

Anddddd if our adhd be adhdingggg harder some days, we will double up as needed other times too. 

These are just pulled at random so we will be answering each in the moment in one go… no cutesy edits or anything too polished. It’ll be raw and real heartfelt … (and also via mobile app so deal with any typos you discover… its not the hill to die on) 

SO HERE WE GO! 

1. What moment in your life felt small at the time but now feels important?

It was April 2020 I believe when we had our 20th week appointment to reveal the gender of our second child… the day the little moment happened that is now so tender to my heart. 

But let’s backtrack: After 8 years from having our first, we were always geared towards “one and Done” mentality. My doctor had told me plenty of times how I was blessed with the first because of having endometriosis and agreed having just one is a great place to be. They also advised that if I wish to even think about a second, of course knowing there could be complications and that my clock is a little shorter than the average to ensure a better chances of second safe child- the time is now. The age limit they gave ? 31-32. Then November 2019 came… Thanksgiving Day - working at the volunteer shelter feeding homeless and holding babies of families so mommas could eat with their hands not as full as they usually are. It was my mother-in-law, the og baby whisperer… she was holding a little bundle of a cute babygirl… cooing back and forth to one another and it was so so sweet. 

My UTERUS immediately starts taking over my body. She ends up changing my whole mental state and the hormones start fluttering on another level and before I know it… I’m bringing up the topic on a date night two weeks later.

My thought was now or never plus we’re older, we did a great job with the first, and I’ve always wanted a baby girl. Besides dude was asking for a baby brother or sister for more than two years at this point. He would literally use every magic wish situation he had to wish for one- birthdays, shooting stars, etc. He didn’t care about the gender… he was all for what I wanted- a girl of my own… and If we try, we may get one. My own little “Gilmore girl”. And yeah equal chances of another boy but my mind was at peace with that chance. I felt blessed with my first boy and the relationship we share. I think he came out pretty well with education and manners, good moral compass, and healthy habits. Girls would be different but I was ready. 

We tried that night for the first time really trying for it and bam 💥 we were pregnant by Christmas, 3 weeks later. Side note: endometriosis sucks 99% of the time. 1% would be that for me, when I was pregnant I could tell immediately in the slightest shifts my body would have. The hormones would be completely recoded for me. Happened with both pregnancies. 

SO fast fwd to whatever day that was in April.. it’s the 20th week of pregnancy check-up. The one you hope the baby cooperates and is in a position where you can see if they have one specific extra body part or (hopefully) don’t have. Now in the first 20weeks leading up to this, of course I scoured any resource I could find - any hack or sign, symptom or even myths that noted to having a girl or boy. I didn’t just hit every one that indicated a girl… I carried like I was having a girl, the needle trick moved like a girl, the morning sickness habits I had apparently lined up to having a girl, I didn’t look glowy but dull that usually meant a girl, etc I could go on from most common to all but EVERY SINGLE THING pointed to a girl. I was having faith and hyped. Name ready. 

And this was during COVID-19 Lockdown so times were tough and weird for being pregnant. My own hubby couldn’t come to the appointments and telehealth systems were not set up in most places just yet as a thing… so I went alone and my hubby was anxious excited waiting to hear from me. 

Well, I get in position and they lube my big belly up with the coldest gel ever. Ick. And on the screen, loud and proud, legs in a completely perfect Y position … this baby showed me he was a BOY ! no second guessing about it. 

My parents were told I was going to be a boy when my mom was pregnant and after they had so many blue things for the boy they expected- I came out MEEEEE 😂  so I would’ve stayed hopeful and delulu for that maybe.. but this wasn’t the 80s and the tech then. It was 3D baby, and baby was 100% boy. I should’ve known how his loud and rotten ornery personality was going to be from that day to be honest in hindsight… anyways…

I call my hubs, I’m calm… I’m leading up to tell him, but slow because we’ll, I’m still in shock that it’s not a girl, and before I get far, before I even can him the comedic parts of the reveal … he goes “ooooo it’s a girl ! You’re calm and not crying so YAY!” I pause at the bitter sweetness of his response & answer back with the truth. He’s shook. He states he thinks I’m messing with him because he expected me crying about it not being our girl. 

I get home and take him the image prints to show him and his jaw drops at the realization of he’s a boy lol. That he is LOUD AND PROUD BOY. 

All is good after that and I’m at home while he finishes his work on the farm & eventually when tasks are done, I settle in. I finally respond to my mom ready for now my less in shock mode of a convo, sharing the news and how I’m happy but allowed to be sad in disappointment too. It felt like I was in mourning of the girl I didn’t have. Silly maybe ? Oh well. 

Now, obviously this isn’t some moment that seemed small at any point. It was when my cousin Rachel called after hearing from my mom. She FaceTimes me with her big goofy smile that always beamed sunshine energy & goes “LAURA!!! This is great!! All this means is you’ll be the best aunt to any nieces you have from siblings & best friends! It means you don’t have to pay more for makeup and girly stuff, you don’t have to face menstruating teenage girl attitude and sass, and it’s all good and meant to be because… you’re just a boy mom.” 💁‍♀️

A BOY MOM. 

Those three simple words spoken and I shifted. My whole being shifted. 

I’m not one for titles or needing to label things for validation but this… this was as if we just shifted gears in a car. Like she just cleared fog and brought in sunshine… with those three little words. A BOY MOM. 

She passed away that October 2020 due to Covid - only a few months after he was born & she only got to meet him once sadly. But man, I wish she knew how much that little moment between her and I maybe didn’t seem big or too significant… but it was everything and huge to me. A forever core memory that was pivotal to my whole life and acceptance of not having a girl (because I’m not chancing a third boy, I would lose my sanity! ) but just truly at peace and excited because… I’m just a boy mom. 💜👏

2.Who made you feel safest as a child?

Oh this will be easy and maybe not as beefy as the response to Q1 but… Rachel, my cousin. She was somewhat raised by my mom like an aunt but also like a big sis to me bc of the age levels (she was first gen of grandkids) and I love her so dearly. She loved me so dearly. She loves the family no matter the flaws unconditionally and taught me the same. When I got my first walk-man, she hooked me up with my first two cassette tapes: Madonna - Like a Prayer album & Elton John … Iconic and I still go hard with them. 

She wasn’t able to be there for every milestone in my life journey growing up from baby to adulthood, but she was always there. Somehow always there when I needed someone in my corner. It was like she knew and saw me, when no one else could see me. 

And when your parents always worked two jobs, that can lead to raising yourself in a way.. raising your baby bro not just as a big sis but also as a second mom. A lot of what raised me ? Well when I would get done cleaning the house and getting food set for us, it was whatever I could catch on TV & my cousin Rachel calling the house. She was there to advise on boys, not all but some. There to make sure I had a ride for getting my hair done for homecomings, nails for prom, or maybe just a girl day because I deserved to be a girl and do girl things. She was there to let me listen to the music I wanted and not only limited to classic Rock.(which we liked but dad wouldn’t let me listen to anything else) music was censored and denied in my upbringing if it wasn’t what he liked. She didn’t care about that. In her car, with our flip flops on and smoothies.. we listened to Eminem and Backstreet Boys. We vibed to spice girls & honky Tonk country of the early 00s. 

As we got older, we still did gal pal things. She always gave my perspective when she saw me insecure and naive - unlived and unseen. She got me hooked on local-grandma-levels of bingo early on- She knew how dope they are lol. When I couldn’t afford the home party things that were huge in 00s she would throw, like scentsy and 31 bags, she would always snag me something to make me happy and not make me feel cheap or poor about it. She didn’t approve of most boyfriends but with hubby, it was instant love- she squeezed hugged him so hard the first time they met. She also threatened him to never let me get hurt. She kinda knew I was finding my person, my other safe person in our adulthood years. My mom and her threw my baby shower for us. She always threw cookouts to just get the whole family together and did more of them when the phase was when we couldn’t afford much or get out much with a baby in arms with our first. She was the sunshine and the glue of our whole family. And I wasn’t just a cousin of hers, I was a sister, and as far as soulmates go- she was one of mine and I was one of hers. 

I was always safe with her. She was an angel alive and now after losing her in this lifetime. 

She’s the biggest heartbreak of my life. 

I miss you Rachel. Thank you for teaching me this level of love no one else could. I honor you by being the “Rachel” to our youngest girly cousins the way you were for me. 

I miss you. I love you. Forever 

♾️ 

TIL tomorrow friends and family ! Two more questions will be on the wayyyyy !